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IMG_2163.JPG, a photo by Randall Dickerson on Flickr.

Daylilly from a friend’s garden. I think the variety is a Stella De Oro.

A Time for Growth

It’s been a little over a week since the funeral and looking on the blog, I realize I haven’t posted anything! I was waiting for some profound idea or genealogical epiphany to strike me, and then I realized “hey, I’m southern. We don’t do epiphanies around here!”. Y’all just have to do with a little humor and the occasional snippet of wisdom. (Epiphanies; are those Catholic or Lutheran?).

The children are doing okay. I’m sure that they have private moments of grief. But they are beginning to move forward. Life in the South, as elsewhere, moves in cycles. This is late spring, a time for rapid growth. My children are growing too. I watch them deciding their future and admire the maturity with which they plan. It is their time to grow, to blossom, to live.

My employer was unbelievably accommodating over the last 10 weeks. I have used the past week to begin frantically catching up on my work. It is my time to toil.

My girlfriend has been so patient with me during this time. I can’t decide if she’s insane or a living saint for putting up with me. I vote for option two; living saint. I’m showering her love, attention, and gratitude. It is her time to blossom.

I will be writing more about genealogy in the very near future. But I’ll also be writing about life and family and everyday things as well. Sadly, the ex-wife made no preparations for her death. I’ll be addressing those issues as well with some advice for all of us. And yes, I’ve made sure all my preparations are complete and documented. Not trying to rush my exit from this Earth, mind you, but don’t want to leave any unfinished business.

Please stay tuned; there is more to come.

future (Photo credit: Sean MacEntee)

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IMG_2057.JPG, a photo by Randall Dickerson on Flickr.

First bloom of the season. A Bearded Iris in the tiny front garden.

In Remembrance…….

Thank You!

Warm thanks to all who have offered condolences and sympathy as my children and I have arranged for and conducted the funeral of their mother (my ex-wife). Your comments are touching and have been most appropriate.

The preparations and funeral service went well with a good turnout of family and friends. There were no major glitches or problems to add to the anguish.

I’ll be writing more on the subject of death, burials, the required preparations, etc. over the next several posts. I hope the suggestions can be of help to others. But I would like to post a couple of suggestions now.

1. BE THERE. Sometimes, just showing up is enough. I’m sorry but there are no words that can really help; some can actually hurt! A simple “I am so sorry for your loss” or “He/She was a wonderful person (if you actually knew them)” is welcome and appropriate. If you don’t know what to say, tell them ”I don’t know what to say, but I am here for you”.

2. LISTEN. (See #1) No long theological (or atheistic) dissertations, please! Let the bereaved speak. Trust me, they haven’t had a chance to talk to a sympathetic ear all day. If they have been a caregiver during an extended illness, they haven’t had a ‘shoulder to lean’ on in a long time. And speaking of shoulders…………

3. TOUCH (If appropriate) This may depend on your community, background, and customs, but a touch is very healing. The most powerful message of support I received at the graveside service was a hand placed gently and lovingly on my shoulder. No words; they weren’t needed. The touch was eloquent and healing by itself.

4. PRACTICAL. Offer to bring a meal by the house (that’s a Southern Tradition that deserves a blog post or two all by itself!), or to carry suits to the cleaners and pick them up for the funeral, or pick up groceries for the bereaved, or drive them around for the necessary preparations, or even offer to cut the grass and tidy up the yard.

5. FOLLOW UP! If you really care about the bereaved don’t let the funeral service be the end of it. Call or drop by in a day or two. Offer a sympathetic ear or a helping hand. Keep in frequent touch for at least a few weeks. Get them out of the house for a ride, a walk, a dinner. Grieving doesn’t end at the grave; it’s a process that can take 2 weeks to 2 years. Your support can be critical to their healing.

A Sad Farewell

My ex-wife, the mother of my children, passed away Monday, 23 April 2012 after a long and hard-fought battle with cancer. Final arrangements are being made now.  Helping my children care for her has been my focus these last few weeks. That has changed now. I’ll be posting more frequently in this blog after we all pay our final respects.

Thanks for your prayers and well wishes. My son and his wife - who have been her primary caregivers for over a year – could really use some prayers from those of you so inclined.

The Happy Bus

This post is just for the fun of it.

I noticed this highly-decorated van (“Car-Art” if you prefer) on my way home from work. Since I am a fanatic about having my camera in the seat next to me, I was able to snap a few photos before they drove off.

I guess this is original art by an original hippie. It would have been a blast to have met the artist.

(Click on the Photo for a larger image)

 

Is Your But Too Big?

(This post is inspired by another blogger’s post; The Size of Your But  by Evan Sanders. You can read his original post at http://thebettermanprojects.wordpress.com/2012/02/22/day-155-the-size-of-your-but/ )

“I’d love to do more online research, but I can’t afford the subscription fees!”

“I really should interview my aging aunt, but she lives so far away and gas is so expensive!”

“I’d love to take a genealogy course, but I can’t afford the money or the time!”

“I’d really like to be part of the local historical society, but they’re not very friendly there!”

I’ll bet that a few of these sound familiar. I have said a few of them myself. It’s easy to make excuses sound like valid reasons. And if you’re a procrastinator like me, it’s even easier to put things off till later.
We want to improve our genealogy, expand the database with accurate and well sourced data, and network with others of the same passion. What holds us back in each example is one little word; “but“.
Imagine what you or I could do if we took those buts out of each sentence. I challenge you to say any of those sentences without using the word ‘but’. Hard to do isn’t it?

The reality for me, and many others I assume, is that we make excuses instead of progress.

If our buts are too big we cannot or will not accomplish anything.

Yet there are ways around these buts with a little ingenuity.

 

Online research? Try your local library! My office is barely 10 minutes from the Birmingham Public Library, with a marvelous collection in the Department of Archives and Manuscripts. Yet I haven’t been there in ages! Why? Because my but was too big! “I’d love to go the library, but I’m tired and want to go home.” It would take little effort and planning to drive there one or two days a week after work and do research. And they have some marvelous online databases I can access at no charge. Speaking of no charge, the library in my hometown has free Internet access including access to the Alabama Virtual Library, another wonderful resource!

Interview that aging Aunt? I did put that off. And I attended her funeral a couple of months ago. A treasure trove of family stories and history from one of the most gentle and gregarious members of my mother’s side of the family is gone! The only consolation is that her daughter and granddaughters became interested in genealogy and may have collected some of those stories. I’m going to visit that cousin in two weeks; no ifs, ands, or buts.

The historical society? Why don’t you go and be the friendly one? Who knows, if you get your but out of the way you may change your society for the better!

 

I know gas prices have skyrocketed, we all feel pressed for time, and there are valid reasons – as well as excuses – to not do certain things. I suppose it boils down to a matter of personal priorities. I’ve learned that I can juggle expenses, trim a few costs here and there, and afford an extra trip. I can combine errands with genealogy and minimize costs. (But if you combine a trip to the grocery store with a run past the cemetery, go to the cemetery first! Otherwise your frozen food will be ruined. Trust me on this!)

 

It’s really surprising how much we can do by not letting our but get too big. Why not try going a full day without using the word but? I bet you will find it challenging, infuriating, and enlightening.

 

“I’d love to do more online research. I bet I can revise my budget and afford the fees.”

I really should interview my aging aunt. I think I take the kids this weekend and make a day of it. They’d love a spring day in the country!”

I’d love to take a genealogy course. I’m going to revise my schedule this week and make the time to do it.”

“I’d really like to be part of the local historical society. They could use some more outgoing people like me and I could learn so much.”

Go ahead, I dare ya!

(Copyright 2012 Randall E Dickerson. All rights reserved.)

To Everything There is a Season; part II

For those of you who’ve been following my saga:

My ex-wife – the mother of my children – was admitted to the hospital several weeks ago. While there she suffered a “code blue”, was resuscitated, and spent 2 1/2 weeks in the cardiac care unit (C C U).
She has recovered enough to be breathing on her own and moved to a private room. The children are grateful to have her survive this ordeal, but we are all aware that she is a terminal cancer patient and in palliative care.

While looking for her legal papers, the children found a cache of very old photographs. None of the photos are identified. And now they – like me at my mother’s end-of-life – have become keenly interested in their genealogy on her side. I’m working with them to compile that part of the genealogy. Since she is now able to carry on short conversations, my children have asked if I would gather some information from her about her family history. 

Over the next few days and weeks I’ll be sitting with her going over the family tree and seeing if she can identify any of the people in these mystery photos. I’m glad that I use Roots Magic 5 as my genealogy program since it has this wonderful feature called Roots Magic to go. I can load the entire genealogy database on a USB thumb drive and run the program on a different computer. In this case it will be my little netbook in the hospital room. The children still have to deal with their mother’s illness and her end-of-life choices. But if she is willing and able to provide information, she will leave a rich legacy for the children and one day for their children.

 
I guess that’s one of the driving forces for many genealogists; the ability to leave a legacy in the form of personal history, stories, and images. I know I’d like to leave these things for my children to remember me by. I hope someday when I’m gone they’ll remember me kindly and realize just how much I love them. It’s always hard to tell a child how much you love them, words can only do so much. I think leaving a legacy helps show your love for them.

Copyright 2012 Randall E Dickerson

To everything there is a season……

My ex-wife – the mother of my children – is in palliative care and on a respirator, dying of cancer. Between staying with her, guarding the house, and searching for legal documents, we have little time for anything else.

The one bright spot, strange as it may seem, is that the children are already working through the first three stages of grief. And since my son and his wife put their lives “on hold” for the past two years to take care of her, they now have a little bit of time alone together as husband and wife.

I’ve sorted through a few estates searching for photos, ephemera, documents of people for their family history. This is the first time I’ve ever done this before a person’s death instead of postmortem. It’s a troubling feeling.

I found photos which haven’t seen the light of day in decades. No notations on the back; no names. I know these must be family of hers, but they remain obstinately anonymous. The few living relatives of my ex-wife are the same age as she and haven’t got a clue who these people are.

I found my ex father-in-law’s military papers, dog tag, uniform, and postcards mailed to him by his wife. In those postcards she is a warm, loving, devoted wife who dearly misses her husband; a far cry from the vindictive, bitter, angry old woman who despised me for marrying her daughter. I have photos of her with her first child taken in 1944. She was a rather attractive woman then. I discovered her husband – a stubborn, grumpy, half deaf, hoarding old man – was a cook and a sergeant in the Army. I never knew that; he wouldn’t talk about his military service. So many photos, so many questions.

My ex had always told me she was going to find out who these people were. Sadly, she never got around to it. Now, she can’t even speak. Thankfully my children have set every photo aside that they find for me to scan and return to them. In this way everyone can have a decent quality scanned copy of the photos. Perhaps one day we can discover who these people were and put their images in the proper place on the family tree for my children’s sake. Unfortunately we may never know who they were.

I’ve committed this weekend, if time allows, to scan every photo I have in this house. After scanning I will label the digital image and then label the photo with a soft pencil. I would hope my children will one day be interested. If they are, not only with the images be there for them, but the stories and the names of the people behind them.